Door Openers of Communication

Communication is an art. It is a dance of ideas, feelings and expressions. So for this dance to be fulfilling we have to give each other space, watch that we are not stepping on each other’s foot and follow the rhythm. “Door openers” are to help other people to continue to share their feelings and ideas. Generally it brings people together, empowering both of them.

Having an open communication with children is very important to motivate them to share their inner thoughts and feelings. This is true not only for play therapy but for every day communication with kids. It facilitates understanding, and gives the children a feeling of ‘being heard’ which encourages them to share more and develop trust. 

Here are some Door Openers- 

Tell me about it

I would like to hear more

Do you want to talk about it?

I wonder how you are feeling

When did you first notice….

Tell me what you think

What would you like

Let’s discuss it

Can you tell me more about….

Let me make sure, so when this happen… you thought…

So it is important to you that ….

I understand what you are saying

I am with you, do you want to tell me more?

What Children Learn in Play Therapy

Play therapy in school is an adjunct to the learning environment. It helps children in academics when they explore their feelings and learn to adjust to their environment in a play therapy session. If a child is upset for a particular reason, he can get his feelings out by enacting them in the sand tray or punching a punching bag. This releases his negative feelings and helps him focus on the learning in class. 

In Play therapy children learn 

o   To respect themselves – The therapist shows constant positive regard and acceptance irrespective of the child’s behavior. Children learn to respect themselves because of this non-judgmental environment. When they learn to respect themselves, they respect others.

o   That their feelings are acceptable – The therapists accept the expressions of all intensities from the child, which conveys the message that it’s ok to have different kinds of feelings.

o   To Express their feelings responsibly – When the children’s feelings are accepted, they learn to express their feelings with control. Instead of a child controlled by the feeling, he decides how to express the feelings and how to deal with them.

o   To assume responsibility for themselves- The therapist believes in the child’s inner drive to learn and succeed. The therapist let the child try out things for themselves and does not help the child with tasks that are attainable by the child. The child discovers his strength and ability and takes responsibility.

o   To be creative and resourceful in confronting problems – The therapist lets the children find solutions for their problems in the playroom. In this process, the children learn to find creative solutions, trust themselves and believe in their capability to solve their problems.

o   Self-control and self-direction – The playroom provides a huge opportunity for the children to lead, take control of the toys and their experience in the playroom. Unlike most adults in a child’s life, the therapist does not make decisions for him. Limits in the playroom are set to facilitate decision making by the child.

o   To accept themselves – The therapist’s unconditional acceptance of a child leads to the child’s acceptance of herself. This acceptance is a foundation of positive self-concept.

o   To make choices and be responsible for their choices – The power to make a decision in the playroom is granted to a child. This empowers him to make choices outside of the playroom. They learn to take responsibility for the consequences of their choices. 

The most wonderful part of the play therapy is that children learn all these things while playing!

                                                                                  Source: Gary Landreth (2012)

The Magic of Play Therapy

I worked as a Child Aide for the Early Mental Health Intervention program for 12 years. This was a school based program based on the non-directive play therapy. I worked with at-risk students from k-6 grades. This was a very satisfying work experience which taught me not only play therapy techniques but  parenting skills and helped me grow as a person. I would like to share some of my experiences from time to time. I have changed the names of the children for maintaining confidentiality.

One day I walked into the staff lounge and heard a teacher describing her new first grade student. “Sara would not do anything in the class. She even refuses to sit on the chair, forget about doing any work. She is not talking, nor participating in any activity. She does not even want to go out and play. This is going on for a week. I don’t know what to do.”  Clearly this was a student perfectly fit for our program. I decided to enroll her and the teacher agreed. Two days later I went to pick up Sara. When I entered the classroom, I saw her sitting in a far corner while other students were sitting in a circle at the front of the classroom. I approached her and introduced myself. She did not look up or acknowledge me. I decided to wait for her response. After 5 minutes she still was not willing to look at me. At that point I decided not to push her to come to the playroom today. I told her that I will be back next week and left. Next week I took a small puppet with me when I went to pick up Sara. This time she was sitting in her chair, head down. She was withdrawn from the rest of the class. I approached her slowly, reminded her about who I am and showed her the puppet. She looked at the puppet for one minute. I asked her if she would be interested in coming with me to the playroom. She did not respond. I sat by her side and after some time asked her again, offering my hand. To my surprise she got up and we walked to the playroom.

Once inside, Sara stood in the middle of the room; stunned, silent. I told her,” You can play with many different toys in many ways. You get to decide what you want to do. I am not going to tell you what to do.”  Sara stood in the middle of the room, looking around. Her face was still neutral, almost sad, uninterested in her surroundings. I waited for her to decide what she wants to do. Sara did not say a word. I was feeling very nervous. I did not know what to do except, just be there for her and let her lead. I acknowledged her feeling that sometimes it’s hard to make a choice. After 10 minutes, Sara was still standing in the middle of the room. Her eyes started to well up, she looked sad, anxious and nervous. It was very clear that she was uncomfortable and did not want to play. I gave her a choice of returning to the classroom. She nodded.  I dropped her off, and told her that I will be back next week, same time. This was a learning experience for me. For the first time I came across a child who was very shy, sad and full of anxiety. It is rare that a child does not touch a single toy in the playroom. I consulted my supervisor about Sara and he told me to stay the course. My job was to be consistent and provide her support just by being with her. Next week I took another puppet with me and Sara came with me without extra prompting. She acknowledged me by looking at me. Her anxiety seemed low. In the playroom she doodled with markers and wanted to leave after 15 minutes. There was no interaction between us, she hardly said anything. This continued for 2 more session. By each session Sara looked a bit more comfortable. She was giving me faint smile or a nod sometimes. It took 7 sessions for Sara to stay for the whole time (30 minutes). By the tenth session she was talking, laughing and interacting with me while exploring the play room. At the end of our 15 sessions, Sara wrote me note thanking me for being her “Special friend”.  That note brought tears to my eyes and filled my heart with warmth. By this time Sara had a few friends, was doing her classwork and interacting with the teacher. It was amazing to see the transformation. The power of non-directive play therapy was at work and it worked magic!

Types of Facilitative Responses

In a non-directive play therapy, facilitative responses play a vital role in encouraging growth and therapeutic play by a child. According to Gary Landreth (2012), in a play session the responses need to be short and interactive; ten words or less and they should fit smoothly into the child’s expression without interrupting the natural flow of the play. 

Tracking- Tracking responses put into words therapist’s observations. They acknowledge the child’s play expressions and convey the therapist’s interest in the play. Tracking responses should not sound robotic, but have a conversational tone to them.

Example- “You are putting that in the sand.” Or “It fell down.”

Reflecting content - Reflective responses summarize or reflect back the child’s verbal reactions or communication. These responses validate the child’s feelings and actions, communicate the therapist’s understanding and allow the child to lead.

Example - The child is playing doctor and puts a Band-Aid on the doll. Therapist’s response, “You want it to feel better.”

Reflecting feelings- These responses validate the intensity of the child’s feelings. The therapist reflects acceptance and facilitates trusts by these responses.

Example- The child says, “I am going to kindergarten.” The therapist says,” You are felling proud.” Or “You want me to know that you are going to kindergarten.”

Some more examples- You are curious about…                                   

You are wondering if ….

You are angry about…

You do not like ….

Building self-esteem- The self-esteem building responses helps children see that they are capable. It validates their efforts and builds confidence. These responses encourage them to try other thing. Avoid giving compliments such as ,” The paining is beautiful.”

Examples- “You are working hard on that.” Or “You figured it out.”

Match the child’s level of affect - In communicating with the child, the therapist’s tone/affect match the child’s tone or intensity of expressions and feelings. Rate of therapist’s responses and affect conveys understanding.

Avoid asking questions – Questioning is not facilitative because it implies expectation of response and cognitive process from the child. If you have enough information to ask a question then you have enough information to make a statement.

Example- Instead of “Did that make you angry?” Say,” You are feeling angry.”

Returning the responsibility - Let the child do things they are capable of instead of the therapist doing it for them. It encourages independence, builds confidence and facilitates decision-making. Returning responsibility empowers the child.

Example – If a child asks help with opening a paint jar, the therapist could say,” You can open it.”

If while paining, a child asks what color the flower should be, the therapist could respond,” In here you can decide what color the flower would be.”

Other Examples-

You can choose…

You can decide…

You can do it if you want to…

What you play with first is for you to decide 

                                                                                                     Source: Gary Landreth (2012)